Master Sheikh Mohammed!

Due no doubt to vigorous waterboarding, naked pyramiding, or Lynndie England weiner ridicule, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed that he "was responsible for the 9/11 operation, from A to Z," as well as the beheading of journalist Daniel Pearl.

"I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew, Daniel Pearl, in the city of Karachi, Pakistan,"

Khalid also claimed responsibility for the Richard Reid shoebomb attempt, the Bali nightclub attack, and the 1993 World Trade Center attack.

Other things Master Sheikh confessed to:

Masterminding the Richard Jeni suicide
Stealing Christmas
Killing "Frivolous pig-dog who stretch collar of favorite t-shirt,"
Popularizing American Idol
Crocs
The Britney Spears debacle
Having really hairy balls
Giving mustache rides
Norbit

Update: The New York Times has compiled a helpful "best of" list of things Master Sheikh actually took credit for.

1. The 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
2. The 9/11 attacks, from A to Z.
3. The shoe bomber operation to down two American planes.
4. A 2002 shooting in Kuwait that killed an American marine.
5. The Bali nightclub bombing that killed more than 180 in 2002.
6. Planning attacks against several prominent American skyscrapers.
7. Planning to destroy American military vessels and oil tankers.
8. Planning to bomb the Panama Canal.
9. Planning to assassinate several former American presidents, including President Carter.
10. Planning to bomb several New York landmarks, including the stock exchange and suspension bridges.
11. Planning to destroy several London landmarks, including Heathrow Airport and Big Ben.
12. Planning to destroy buildings in the Israeli city of Eilat, using planes leaving Saudi Arabia.
13. Planning to destroy Israeli and American embassies around the world.
14. Sending fighters into Israel to conduct surveillance on strategic targets.
15. Bombing a hotel in Mombasa, Kenya, frequented by Israeli travelers.
16. Launching a Russian surface-to-air missile at an El Al airliner leaving Mombasa.
17. Conducting surveillance on nuclear power plants in the United States.
18. Planning to hit NATO headquarters in Brussels.
19. Planning to bomb 12 American aircraft full of passengers.
20. An assassination attempt on President Clinton in the Philippines in 1994 or 1995.
21. Shared responsibility for an assassination attempt against Pope John Paul II in the Philippines.
22. Planning the assassination of President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan.
23. Attempting to destroy an American oil company in Sumatra owned by the Jewish former secretary of state, Henry Kissinger.

Good thing we caught him. America, FUCK YEAH!