Friday, March 30, 2007

God is Black - The Sequel

"Steve Carell, so hot right now. We should put him in a movie."

""Uh, we don't have a script."

"You're a child. He was in Bruce Almighty, right? We'll just make another one of those."

"But... shouldn't we be making sequels to good movies?"

"You're never going to make it in this business, you know that? And that suit looks like dogshit."

"You're right, dad, my bad. Let's go snort coke and get enemas."

I know, I know, Steve Carell was the only funny part of the first movie. But stretching one joke across TWO FULL-LENGTH MOVIES just seems wrong to me, call me crazy. Check that, call me Hercules. Hercules Adonis Shakespeare.

I think they should also bring back "Catherine Orrrtega" from the first movie. Don't recognize her? Here she is on Stern.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

MC Turdblossom Pwns America

Just when you thought Karl Rove couldn't get any creepier, the latest video from the Radio-Television Correspondents' Dinner comes out.

It's a little known fact that Rove was captain of the glee club at his Junior College where he was affectionately known as "The Velvet Diarrhea".

And did you notice how they snuck that black guy in there at the last second right before the rap part? I think he was actually outside parking cars when someone came up to him and was like,

"Hey, uh, bro, how's it hangin'? Anyway, look, me and some of the other honkies want to do this 'rap' thing, and we thought it might be best if you were on stage with us. Otherwise it might look like a minstrel show that ran out of blackface makeup. Do you "feel me"? "Dog"? I know my pal Andrew Jackson wants you to come, if you know what I'm sayin'."

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Wild Hogs 2!

Praise Jesus, there's going to be a Wild Hogs sequel (or perhaps a prequel?)! That's right, according to my rock solid source - a slashfilm post that based its story on the fact that Disney recently purchased,, and

It's gonna be like City Slickers on bikes! Again!

Now, I know that Martin, Travolta, and Tim Allen are all washed up losers who wouldn't know a good script if it tongue kissed them on the steps of its plane, but how the hell did William H. Macy get in there?

Last I checked, he was still doing somewhat decent movies. And along with wife Felicity Huffman, he makes up half the power couple dubbed "Filliam H. Muffman" by the Colbert Report, so you know he still has some pull.

My guess? The Tim Allen cocaine snitch voodoo curse has somehow rubbed off on him.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Carlos Mencia Possibly Thief, Definitely Shitty Comic

So this clip of Carlos Mencia maybe possibly ripping off Bill Cosby has been making the rounds. It's also worth mentioning that the bit also bears some similarities with a Chris Rock bit from "Bigger and Blacker", one of the most famous comedy specials of all time:
Everybody takes Daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything's "Mama. Dear Mama. Always loved my Mama. Mama Mama Mama."
What's the Daddy song? "Papa was a Rollin' Stone." Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody appreciates Daddy. Now, Mama's got the roughest job, l ain't gonna front. But at least people appreciate Mama. Nobody ever tells Daddy shit. Nobody ever says, "Hey, Daddy, thanks for knocking out this rent." "Hey, Daddy, l sure love this hot water." "Hey, Daddy, this is easy to read with all this light."
So maybe Mencia's a thief, maybe not, I think the important thing to take from his clip is the fact that he has to scream at the top of his lungs, run around the stage, and practically throw a chair at the audience so that they know he's made a joke.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Frank Albrecht is a Mean Bastard

Some asshole Kraut says a zoo was wrong to save this abandoned polar bear.
"Feeding by hand is not species-appropriate but a gross violation of animal protection laws," animal rights activist Frank Albrecht was quoted as saying by the mass-circulation Bild daily, which has featured regular photo spreads tracking fuzzy Knut's frolicking.

"The zoo must kill the bear."
Wow, dude, ruthless. I'm not a biologist, and I may not not be a registered sex offender, but I would like to offer a counter argument: LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BEAR! Jesus Christ, the thing might as well be wearing a mini tuxedo and baking muffins.

I know it won't always be mind-bendingly cute, but by the time it's not, it will be able to hunt humans, which is a whole other kind of awesome.

So screw you, Frank, you big jerk. I'm going to send this page to every girl I know and now you're never getting laid.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Unintentionally Hilarious Headlines Part II

Thanks, Yahoo. I'm sure the senior officials were very grateful. When I was in high school, girls were always railing senior officials, but usually because they played football or had cocaine.

Grindhouse Must Cut Itself for Street Cred

A bunch of news outlets and websites more professional than this one are reporting that Grindhouse will be rated NC-17 unless it gets huge cuts.

Seems to me like they could just cut out the Robert Rodriguez part. That would at least cut the sex and violence in half, right?

Seriously? A chick with a machine gun for a leg, that's your idea? Remember the guy in Dusk Till Dawn with the dick gun? Or the guitar case bomb on wheels thing in Once Upon a Time in Mexico? And remember how Enrique Iglesias was in that movie?

Look, I have nothing against good dumb fun, but let's face it, Robert Rodriguez is a child.

And Quentin, you were my hero once, but ever since I saw you guest judge American Idol* (and for the love of God man, a pooka shell necklace?!), you're on thin ice.

*This is where I would link to the video, if I could find it. Once again, jokes are much better when you have to explain them.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Master Sheikh Mohammed!

Due no doubt to vigorous waterboarding, naked pyramiding, or Lynndie England weiner ridicule, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed that he "was responsible for the 9/11 operation, from A to Z," as well as the beheading of journalist Daniel Pearl.
"I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew, Daniel Pearl, in the city of Karachi, Pakistan,"
Khalid also claimed responsibility for the Richard Reid shoebomb attempt, the Bali nightclub attack, and the 1993 World Trade Center attack.

Other things Master Sheikh confessed to:
Masterminding the Richard Jeni suicide
Stealing Christmas
Killing "Frivolous pig-dog who stretch collar of favorite t-shirt,"
Popularizing American Idol
The Britney Spears debacle
Having really hairy balls
Giving mustache rides

Update: The New York Times has compiled a helpful "best of" list of things Master Sheikh actually took credit for.
1. The 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
2. The 9/11 attacks, from A to Z.
3. The shoe bomber operation to down two American planes.
4. A 2002 shooting in Kuwait that killed an American marine.
5. The Bali nightclub bombing that killed more than 180 in 2002.
6. Planning attacks against several prominent American skyscrapers.
7. Planning to destroy American military vessels and oil tankers.
8. Planning to bomb the Panama Canal.
9. Planning to assassinate several former American presidents, including President Carter.
10. Planning to bomb several New York landmarks, including the stock exchange and suspension bridges.
11. Planning to destroy several London landmarks, including Heathrow Airport and Big Ben.
12. Planning to destroy buildings in the Israeli city of Eilat, using planes leaving Saudi Arabia.
13. Planning to destroy Israeli and American embassies around the world.
14. Sending fighters into Israel to conduct surveillance on strategic targets.
15. Bombing a hotel in Mombasa, Kenya, frequented by Israeli travelers.
16. Launching a Russian surface-to-air missile at an El Al airliner leaving Mombasa.
17. Conducting surveillance on nuclear power plants in the United States.
18. Planning to hit NATO headquarters in Brussels.
19. Planning to bomb 12 American aircraft full of passengers.
20. An assassination attempt on President Clinton in the Philippines in 1994 or 1995.
21. Shared responsibility for an assassination attempt against Pope John Paul II in the Philippines.
22. Planning the assassination of President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan.
23. Attempting to destroy an American oil company in Sumatra owned by the Jewish former secretary of state, Henry Kissinger.

Good thing we caught him. America, FUCK YEAH!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

The Chronicle Tickles Me With Their Words

This is either really gay or the most AWESOME NEWS STORY EVER.


In case the picture isn't on the site anymore, the front-page headline of The San Francisco Chronicle was "Kids' Hearts Harnessed to Alaskan Sled Dog Race." Get it now? I hear the best jokes are the ones you have to explain.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Cruise Saves Batman From Katie Holmes

Page Six is reporting that the aliens that control Tom Cruise's brain forced Katie Holmes to give up her role in the next Batman film because aliens are totally gay and insecure about seeing their girlfriend stage kiss other gay guys.
Holmes gave up her role in the upcoming "Batman" sequel, and some in Hollywood said it was because of the romantic scenes she would have had with Christian Bale.

This is a good thing, because Katie Holmes playing a District Attorney like she did in Batman Begins, or really Katie Holmes playing any character with a real job, is about as believable as the stripper in the nurse's uniform who keeps saying she's going to take your temperage with her stealth-o-scope is as a medical professional.

And now she knows what a colon sounds like.

: Can you hear me now? : Can you hear me now? :: Can you hear me now? :::

Sorry, that was like a pun-tuation.

May God have mercy on my soul.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

This Just In - Shit Sucks

After three weekends in which Norbit, Ghostrider, and Wild Hogs all hit number 1 at the box office, it appears Idiocracy has come true, ahead of schedule. Make sure you watch until around 2:50, when the future doc comes in to give Luke Wilson the bad news that his "shit's all fucked up" and he "talks like a fag."

Also, If you wikipedia Tim Allen, you come across this little gem (okay, truth be told, I already knew this. Why the fuck else would a person wikipedia Tim Allen?):

"On October 2, 1978, Allen was arrested with an accomplice at the airport in Kalamazoo for possession of 1.4 pounds of cocaine. Because of the exceptionally large quantity of the controlled substance, he faced the threat of life imprisonment. Instead, Allen agreed to testify against his partner in exchange for a sentence of three to seven years in prison; he ultimately served only two years and four months."

I'm not sure who he dropped the dime on, but it seems that instead of putting a contract out on him, they somehow arranged it so he'd have to be in every shitty movie ever made.

Hmm, prison rape or Santa Clause 3, prison rape or Santa Clause 3...

Friday, March 2, 2007

Great Moments in Groping

In honor of this video someone sent me of Katharine McPhee getting groped by Tyra Banks, I present:


Who knew so many people were searching for "grope" on YouTube? Perverts. Seriously though, if these videos have taught me anything, it's that if you really want to squeeze a chick's boobs, all you have to do is accuse her of them being fake.

"No way those are real."

"OMG, yes they are!"

"Prove it."

Katie Holmes on, what is this, Dawson's Creek?

And who could forget the infamous Scarlett Johanssen groping? She's amazing, but the grope is pretty weak, in the grand scheme of things. If you're gonna grope the boob on camera, at least get some palm in there.

Catherine Bell self-groping on Howard Stern. Turn the sound down if you don't want Stern's voice to ruin your boner.

A sneaky extra on Lost - nice work, my friend, nice work. Very subtle.

Christina Applegate - Sorry for making you watch Cameron Diaz act.

This appears to be a British reality show and I don't know who these people are, but it's got some solid girl-on-girl gropin'.

Another British reality show:

Andy Dick on Kimmel - Okay, so this one isn't technically a boob grope, but it's still worth watching.

Former Prime Minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi - This man used to run a country! I would so vote for him.

If you search for grope in YouTube this video comes up a million times. It's definitely not a true grope, but it's kinda creepy and since we're already on the subject of world leaders...
Bush Gropes German Chancellor Angela Merkel:

And some Family Guy for good measure:

Gisele Bundchen and Jennifer Esposito in Taxi - kudos to William, no way I could've watched Taxi long enough to find this clip.

ABC Realizes Commercials Funnier Than Shows, Goes With Flow

According to Variety and, the Geico cavemen are getting their own show. You may remember them from the following masturpieces (sp?):

Written by the same guy who wrote the commercials, the show's going to revolve around three thirtysomething cavemen living in modern Atlanta (?). Personally, I think the concept has already jumped the shark gone the way of the gecko, but if they're gonna do a show, they'd better at least get the original actors. The reaction shots are pretty much all they have going for them.

Other people I'd like to see get their own TV show:

The dude from the Amped Mobile commercial.

The project will follow a disgruntled Executive Assistant as he tries to make it as a rap star. Working title: "Hi!"

The asian chick from the Quizno's commercial.

Okay, so this one's going to be more of an "adult film" than a TV show. "Asian Chicks Need Meat" begins principal photography April 17th in Chatsworth, co-starring Michelle Maylene and Lex Steele.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Tyra Banks Goes Too Far

You know, I'm as upset at the media's glorification of emaciated models as anyone, and I applauded Tyra Banks' wholly genuine, non-self-righteous denunciation of the practice. I sincerely hope it leads to aging models having to eat less young girls growing up with a more positive body image.

But after seeing pictures of some of the whales Tyra cast in the new season of America's Next Top Model, I think she's gone too far.

I'm all for the "it takes all kinds" perspective on beauty, but I think I speak for everyone when I say, jeez, skip a meal, lardass. Look at these fatties. Their cellulite-covered collarbones practically scream obesity epidemic.


Billy Bob Drives Himself to Drink

In the most anticipated turd since the day after my corn feast last month, "The Astronaut Farmer" from Warner Brothers hits theaters this Friday. This movie is about a farmer who builds a space shuttle in his barn. And you know what his name is? Farmer. Brilliant! It's gold! Greenlight it! And hey, doesn't Bob still owe me an 8-ball from a couple days ago?

Watching the trailer, you expect it to end with "Based on a True Story", but it doesn't. And you know why? Because without even giving it a conscious thought, your senses recoil at the idea that someone would be dumb enough to make up a story about a farmer who builds a space shuttle in his barn.

The official synopsis says that Billy Bob's character has "a degree in aerospace engineering, was a natural for NASA's astronaut training program, and was well on his way when a family situation forced him to drop out and return home."

Oh, my mistake, you're right, that totally makes sense now.

I tried to build a battleship in the shed one time, but the neighbors made me get rid of it 'cause they said the smell was lowering their property values. In retrospect, I probably should've made it out of, like, metal.

Heather Mills Dances With One Leg, Big Pussy

(NSFW) Heather Mills , (that's not her in the picture, it's some other hot chick I hadn't heard of until today) the one-legged former soft-core porn model and ex-wife of Paul McCartney, will soon be triumphantly hobbling around the set of "Dancing With the Stars", as an inspiration to crippled gold diggers everywhere. Rounding out the cast are Olympic skater Apolo Anton Ohno, boxer Laila Ali, Clyde "Why did I agree to this?" Drexler, Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore (Hey, that's my mom's nickname!), outspoken mullet activist Billy Ray Cyrus, Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey, Leeza Gibbons, Paulina "I Married The Cars' Singer" Porizkova, Ian Ziering, and 'N Sync's Joey Fatone (Fatone, he's the Fat one, get it?).

I'd originally cast all these people in my own celebreality show, "Jump in a Volcano", but Shandi Finnessey passed because she said she'd be too distracted by my rippling biceps. I have another idea for a show called "Joe AIDS", which is kind of like the bachelor, but instead of a bunch of women competing for one rich guy, they'll be competing for three guys; one millionaire and two guys with AIDS. They won't know which is which and will have to sleep with the guy before they get the money. Any takers?

ABC: Where Old Ideas Go To Die

Proving that television executives are the most imaginative people on the planet, ABC announced that it's pursuing a spinoff of "Grey's Anatomy", the pioneering medical drama, that boldly goes where only "ER", "Chicago Hope", "General Hospital", "Scrubs". "Nip/Tuck", "M*A*S*H", "House", "Doogie Howser M.D." and a handful of others have gone before. Look out for "Grey's Anatomy: SVU", "Grey's Anatomy: Muskogee", and "Grey's Anatomy: Homophobic Negro Surgeon", all coming soon. Seriously, these people have been recycling ideas for so long that it will soon tear a hole in the space-time continuum and we'll all be running from dinosaurs and robot sex monkeys from the future. Is that what you really want? IS IT?!?

Foreigners Steal Tarantino's Rodriguez While He Sleeps

Variety is reporting that in some countries, the Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez double feature "Grindhouse" is going to be broken up into two separate movies. Some might argue that this is a classic case of dirty ethnic types trying to swindle people into paying double for cheap crap like a twisted novelty Corona bottle or Last Supper relief made of glitter, but I applaud the move. You see, for me, seeing a Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez double bill is kind of like ordering a cheeseburger and having it come with a shit burrito – a diarrhito, if you will.*

If any of the countries splitting the bill could also figure out how to take all the Rodriguez-infected parts out of the Kill Bill movies, I might move there - watch out ladies! (and attractive ladyboys)

*This is a hypothetical situation not reflective of my actual dietary habits. In real life I am a vulturetarian; I only eat animals that eat other animals that eat other animals that eat plants. Top of the food chain, bitch!

Quizno's Brings the Beef, Asian Chick Giggles

18 seconds into their latest commercial, Quizno's reminds us that they have what every Asian chick loves: "uber meat".

"It's not lacking any meat. And that's what real women need!" (maniacal giggle)

The casting director was all like, "You dirty little minx, you're gonna swallow this big, meaty sub and you're gonna love every minute of it."

Meanwhile, Subway has Jared, whose dramatic weightloss reminds us that those extra pounds may not be the only reason you're not getting laid.

Here's to hoping the next Quizno's spot involves ping pong balls.