Thursday, March 1, 2007
Heather Mills Dances With One Leg, Big Pussy
(NSFW) Heather Mills , (that's not her in the picture, it's some other hot chick I hadn't heard of until today) the one-legged former soft-core porn model and ex-wife of Paul McCartney, will soon be triumphantly hobbling around the set of "Dancing With the Stars", as an inspiration to crippled gold diggers everywhere. Rounding out the cast are Olympic skater Apolo Anton Ohno, boxer Laila Ali, Clyde "Why did I agree to this?" Drexler, Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore (Hey, that's my mom's nickname!), outspoken mullet activist Billy Ray Cyrus, Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey, Leeza Gibbons, Paulina "I Married The Cars' Singer" Porizkova, Ian Ziering, and 'N Sync's Joey Fatone (Fatone, he's the Fat one, get it?).
I'd originally cast all these people in my own celebreality show, "Jump in a Volcano", but Shandi Finnessey passed because she said she'd be too distracted by my rippling biceps. I have another idea for a show called "Joe AIDS", which is kind of like the bachelor, but instead of a bunch of women competing for one rich guy, they'll be competing for three guys; one millionaire and two guys with AIDS. They won't know which is which and will have to sleep with the guy before they get the money. Any takers?