Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Yahoo Asks Rhetorical, Stupid Questions

Hmm, why would adding salt to food cause me to eat more? Let's ponder this. I haven't read the article, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say adding salt to food causes people to eat more because NOW IT FUCKING TASTES GOOD.

Next week on Yahoo: Why Porn Makes People Want to Masturbate

Monday, April 16, 2007

Creepiest Banner Ad on the Internet

Why is he tingling all over? Someone came all over his hair?

Monday, April 9, 2007

Kind of a Tease Business

"BLAAAH!" (finger point)
"BLAAAH!" (finger point)

I move that both these guys be ground up and fed to starving African children. And that those African children then be dissolved in vats of acid, just in case.

Later in the interview, O'Reilly went on to say:
So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel (sic) thing and I'd put it on your pussy but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business...

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Knut the Bear Update

I didn't think it was possible, but someone found an even cuter picture of Knut the bear.

By the way, can we add an umlaut to this little fucker's name or put an 'E' at the end or something? No way should an animal that cute ever be referred to as "Nutt", even if by accident.

Oh, and when he reaches sexual maturity, can we get him to somehow impregnate a black chick? Think about it, a half polar bear half black baby - how cute would that be!

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Yahoo Rescues Spoiled White Bitches in Need

Yahoo Helps Sorority Sluts

"On Yahoo TV this week, we'll buy a TV and setup WiFi for some sorority sluts who spent all their parents' money on flavored condoms and puffy paint. ;( College is hard!"

Yahoo, I salute you. While baby seals were being clubbed to death for their fur, children were being raped to death in Africa, and innocent babies contracted cancer and bled profusely from the eyes, you found a truly worthwhile charity case: college chicks.

Like your mother, that's something I can get behind.

I started a charity once. It was called "Fatties Need Lovin' Too". We took our donations in the form of Jager shots.

The World's Best Piece of Writing. Ever.

Normally I wouldn't post something written by someone else... Okay, maybe I would. Look, all I'm saying is that I would let whoever wrote this rape my mother. It is amazing. I would put a puppy in a blender to have written this.


Christmas Comes Early for Douchebags!

Do the delight of stripe-shirted dicklickers all over New Jersey, Entourage is back on the air this Sunday - just in time for Easter! This is exactly the kind of thing God miracled Jesus' ass out of that cave for!

Hopefully this season will be quotable so Chuck and Bill in sales have something to say to each other in between rounds of "Gun Fingaz!" Thinking is hard!

"Dude, Turtle is just like my roommate Steve! This show is so awesome!"

Seriously though, can someone tell me what the fuck is up with Piven's hair? Motherfucker was 50% bald like ten years ago.

Friday, March 30, 2007

God is Black - The Sequel

"Steve Carell, so hot right now. We should put him in a movie."

""Uh, we don't have a script."

"You're a child. He was in Bruce Almighty, right? We'll just make another one of those."

"But... shouldn't we be making sequels to good movies?"

"You're never going to make it in this business, you know that? And that suit looks like dogshit."

"You're right, dad, my bad. Let's go snort coke and get enemas."

I know, I know, Steve Carell was the only funny part of the first movie. But stretching one joke across TWO FULL-LENGTH MOVIES just seems wrong to me, call me crazy. Check that, call me Hercules. Hercules Adonis Shakespeare.

I think they should also bring back "Catherine Orrrtega" from the first movie. Don't recognize her? Here she is on Stern.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

MC Turdblossom Pwns America

Just when you thought Karl Rove couldn't get any creepier, the latest video from the Radio-Television Correspondents' Dinner comes out.

It's a little known fact that Rove was captain of the glee club at his Junior College where he was affectionately known as "The Velvet Diarrhea".

And did you notice how they snuck that black guy in there at the last second right before the rap part? I think he was actually outside parking cars when someone came up to him and was like,

"Hey, uh, bro, how's it hangin'? Anyway, look, me and some of the other honkies want to do this 'rap' thing, and we thought it might be best if you were on stage with us. Otherwise it might look like a minstrel show that ran out of blackface makeup. Do you "feel me"? "Dog"? I know my pal Andrew Jackson wants you to come, if you know what I'm sayin'."

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Wild Hogs 2!

Praise Jesus, there's going to be a Wild Hogs sequel (or perhaps a prequel?)! That's right, according to my rock solid source - a slashfilm post that based its story on the fact that Disney recently purchased,, and

It's gonna be like City Slickers on bikes! Again!

Now, I know that Martin, Travolta, and Tim Allen are all washed up losers who wouldn't know a good script if it tongue kissed them on the steps of its plane, but how the hell did William H. Macy get in there?

Last I checked, he was still doing somewhat decent movies. And along with wife Felicity Huffman, he makes up half the power couple dubbed "Filliam H. Muffman" by the Colbert Report, so you know he still has some pull.

My guess? The Tim Allen cocaine snitch voodoo curse has somehow rubbed off on him.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Carlos Mencia Possibly Thief, Definitely Shitty Comic

So this clip of Carlos Mencia maybe possibly ripping off Bill Cosby has been making the rounds. It's also worth mentioning that the bit also bears some similarities with a Chris Rock bit from "Bigger and Blacker", one of the most famous comedy specials of all time:
Everybody takes Daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything's "Mama. Dear Mama. Always loved my Mama. Mama Mama Mama."
What's the Daddy song? "Papa was a Rollin' Stone." Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody appreciates Daddy. Now, Mama's got the roughest job, l ain't gonna front. But at least people appreciate Mama. Nobody ever tells Daddy shit. Nobody ever says, "Hey, Daddy, thanks for knocking out this rent." "Hey, Daddy, l sure love this hot water." "Hey, Daddy, this is easy to read with all this light."
So maybe Mencia's a thief, maybe not, I think the important thing to take from his clip is the fact that he has to scream at the top of his lungs, run around the stage, and practically throw a chair at the audience so that they know he's made a joke.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Frank Albrecht is a Mean Bastard

Some asshole Kraut says a zoo was wrong to save this abandoned polar bear.
"Feeding by hand is not species-appropriate but a gross violation of animal protection laws," animal rights activist Frank Albrecht was quoted as saying by the mass-circulation Bild daily, which has featured regular photo spreads tracking fuzzy Knut's frolicking.

"The zoo must kill the bear."
Wow, dude, ruthless. I'm not a biologist, and I may not not be a registered sex offender, but I would like to offer a counter argument: LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BEAR! Jesus Christ, the thing might as well be wearing a mini tuxedo and baking muffins.

I know it won't always be mind-bendingly cute, but by the time it's not, it will be able to hunt humans, which is a whole other kind of awesome.

So screw you, Frank, you big jerk. I'm going to send this page to every girl I know and now you're never getting laid.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Unintentionally Hilarious Headlines Part II

Thanks, Yahoo. I'm sure the senior officials were very grateful. When I was in high school, girls were always railing senior officials, but usually because they played football or had cocaine.

Grindhouse Must Cut Itself for Street Cred

A bunch of news outlets and websites more professional than this one are reporting that Grindhouse will be rated NC-17 unless it gets huge cuts.

Seems to me like they could just cut out the Robert Rodriguez part. That would at least cut the sex and violence in half, right?

Seriously? A chick with a machine gun for a leg, that's your idea? Remember the guy in Dusk Till Dawn with the dick gun? Or the guitar case bomb on wheels thing in Once Upon a Time in Mexico? And remember how Enrique Iglesias was in that movie?

Look, I have nothing against good dumb fun, but let's face it, Robert Rodriguez is a child.

And Quentin, you were my hero once, but ever since I saw you guest judge American Idol* (and for the love of God man, a pooka shell necklace?!), you're on thin ice.

*This is where I would link to the video, if I could find it. Once again, jokes are much better when you have to explain them.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Master Sheikh Mohammed!

Due no doubt to vigorous waterboarding, naked pyramiding, or Lynndie England weiner ridicule, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed that he "was responsible for the 9/11 operation, from A to Z," as well as the beheading of journalist Daniel Pearl.
"I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew, Daniel Pearl, in the city of Karachi, Pakistan,"
Khalid also claimed responsibility for the Richard Reid shoebomb attempt, the Bali nightclub attack, and the 1993 World Trade Center attack.

Other things Master Sheikh confessed to:
Masterminding the Richard Jeni suicide
Stealing Christmas
Killing "Frivolous pig-dog who stretch collar of favorite t-shirt,"
Popularizing American Idol
The Britney Spears debacle
Having really hairy balls
Giving mustache rides

Update: The New York Times has compiled a helpful "best of" list of things Master Sheikh actually took credit for.
1. The 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
2. The 9/11 attacks, from A to Z.
3. The shoe bomber operation to down two American planes.
4. A 2002 shooting in Kuwait that killed an American marine.
5. The Bali nightclub bombing that killed more than 180 in 2002.
6. Planning attacks against several prominent American skyscrapers.
7. Planning to destroy American military vessels and oil tankers.
8. Planning to bomb the Panama Canal.
9. Planning to assassinate several former American presidents, including President Carter.
10. Planning to bomb several New York landmarks, including the stock exchange and suspension bridges.
11. Planning to destroy several London landmarks, including Heathrow Airport and Big Ben.
12. Planning to destroy buildings in the Israeli city of Eilat, using planes leaving Saudi Arabia.
13. Planning to destroy Israeli and American embassies around the world.
14. Sending fighters into Israel to conduct surveillance on strategic targets.
15. Bombing a hotel in Mombasa, Kenya, frequented by Israeli travelers.
16. Launching a Russian surface-to-air missile at an El Al airliner leaving Mombasa.
17. Conducting surveillance on nuclear power plants in the United States.
18. Planning to hit NATO headquarters in Brussels.
19. Planning to bomb 12 American aircraft full of passengers.
20. An assassination attempt on President Clinton in the Philippines in 1994 or 1995.
21. Shared responsibility for an assassination attempt against Pope John Paul II in the Philippines.
22. Planning the assassination of President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan.
23. Attempting to destroy an American oil company in Sumatra owned by the Jewish former secretary of state, Henry Kissinger.

Good thing we caught him. America, FUCK YEAH!