This is either really gay or the most AWESOME NEWS STORY EVER.
Update:
In case the picture isn't on the site anymore, the front-page headline of The San Francisco Chronicle was "Kids' Hearts Harnessed to Alaskan Sled Dog Race." Get it now? I hear the best jokes are the ones you have to explain.
Page Six is reporting that the aliens that control Tom Cruise's brain forced Katie Holmes to give up her role in the next Batman film because aliens are totally gay and insecure about seeing their girlfriend stage kiss other gay guys.
Holmes gave up her role in the upcoming "Batman" sequel, and some in Hollywood said it was because of the romantic scenes she would have had with Christian Bale.
This is a good thing, because Katie Holmes playing a District Attorney like she did in Batman Begins, or really Katie Holmes playing any character with a real job, is about as believable as the stripper in the nurse's uniform who keeps saying she's going to take your temperage with her stealth-o-scope is as a medical professional.
And now she knows what a colon sounds like.
: Can you hear me now? : Can you hear me now? :: Can you hear me now? :::
After three weekends in which Norbit, Ghostrider, and Wild Hogs all hit number 1 at the box office, it appears Idiocracy has come true, ahead of schedule. Make sure you watch until around 2:50, when the future doc comes in to give Luke Wilson the bad news that his "shit's all fucked up" and he "talks like a fag."
Also, If you wikipedia Tim Allen, you come across this little gem (okay, truth be told, I already knew this. Why the fuck else would a person wikipedia Tim Allen?):
"On October 2, 1978, Allen was arrested with an accomplice at the airport in Kalamazoo for possession of 1.4 pounds of cocaine. Because of the exceptionally large quantity of the controlled substance, he faced the threat of life imprisonment. Instead, Allen agreed to testify against his partner in exchange for a sentence of three to seven years in prison; he ultimately served only two years and four months."
I'm not sure who he dropped the dime on, but it seems that instead of putting a contract out on him, they somehow arranged it so he'd have to be in every shitty movie ever made.
Hmm, prison rape or Santa Clause 3, prison rape or Santa Clause 3...
In honor of this video someone sent me of Katharine McPhee getting groped by Tyra Banks, I present:
GREAT MOMENTS IN GROPING
Who knew so many people were searching for "grope" on YouTube? Perverts. Seriously though, if these videos have taught me anything, it's that if you really want to squeeze a chick's boobs, all you have to do is accuse her of them being fake.
"No way those are real."
"OMG, yes they are!"
"Prove it."
Katie Holmes on, what is this, Dawson's Creek?
And who could forget the infamous Scarlett Johanssen groping? She's amazing, but the grope is pretty weak, in the grand scheme of things. If you're gonna grope the boob on camera, at least get some palm in there.
Catherine Bell self-groping on Howard Stern. Turn the sound down if you don't want Stern's voice to ruin your boner.
A sneaky extra on Lost - nice work, my friend, nice work. Very subtle.
Christina Applegate - Sorry for making you watch Cameron Diaz act.
This appears to be a British reality show and I don't know who these people are, but it's got some solid girl-on-girl gropin'.
Another British reality show:
Andy Dick on Kimmel - Okay, so this one isn't technically a boob grope, but it's still worth watching.
Former Prime Minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi - This man used to run a country! I would so vote for him.
If you search for grope in YouTube this video comes up a million times. It's definitely not a true grope, but it's kinda creepy and since we're already on the subject of world leaders... Bush Gropes German Chancellor Angela Merkel:
And some Family Guy for good measure:
Gisele Bundchen and Jennifer Esposito in Taxi - kudos to William, no way I could've watched Taxi long enough to find this clip.
According to Variety and Comingsoon.net, the Geico cavemen are getting their own show. You may remember them from the following masturpieces (sp?):
Written by the same guy who wrote the commercials, the show's going to revolve around three thirtysomething cavemen living in modern Atlanta (?). Personally, I think the concept has already jumped the shark gone the way of the gecko, but if they're gonna do a show, they'd better at least get the original actors. The reaction shots are pretty much all they have going for them.
Other people I'd like to see get their own TV show:
The dude from the Amped Mobile commercial.
The project will follow a disgruntled Executive Assistant as he tries to make it as a rap star. Working title: "Hi!"
The asian chick from the Quizno's commercial.
Okay, so this one's going to be more of an "adult film" than a TV show. "Asian Chicks Need Meat" begins principal photography April 17th in Chatsworth, co-starring Michelle Maylene and Lex Steele.
You know, I'm as upset at the media's glorification of emaciated models as anyone, and I applauded Tyra Banks' wholly genuine, non-self-righteous denunciation of the practice. I sincerely hope it leads to aging models having to eat less young girls growing up with a more positive body image.
But after seeing pictures of some of the whales Tyra cast in the new season of America's Next Top Model, I think she's gone too far.
I'm all for the "it takes all kinds" perspective on beauty, but I think I speak for everyone when I say, jeez, skip a meal, lardass. Look at these fatties. Their cellulite-covered collarbones practically scream obesity epidemic.
In the most anticipated turd since the day after my corn feast last month, "The Astronaut Farmer" from Warner Brothers hits theaters this Friday. This movie is about a farmer who builds a space shuttle in his barn. And you know what his name is? Farmer. Brilliant! It's gold! Greenlight it! And hey, doesn't Bob still owe me an 8-ball from a couple days ago?
Watching the trailer, you expect it to end with "Based on a True Story", but it doesn't. And you know why? Because without even giving it a conscious thought, your senses recoil at the idea that someone would be dumb enough to make up a story about a farmer who builds a space shuttle in his barn.
The official synopsis says that Billy Bob's character has "a degree in aerospace engineering, was a natural for NASA's astronaut training program, and was well on his way when a family situation forced him to drop out and return home."
Oh, my mistake, you're right, that totally makes sense now.
I tried to build a battleship in the shed one time, but the neighbors made me get rid of it 'cause they said the smell was lowering their property values. In retrospect, I probably should've made it out of, like, metal.
(NSFW) Heather Mills , (that's not her in the picture, it's some other hot chick I hadn't heard of until today) the one-legged former soft-core porn model and ex-wife of Paul McCartney, will soon be triumphantly hobbling around the set of "Dancing With the Stars", as an inspiration to crippled gold diggers everywhere. Rounding out the cast are Olympic skater Apolo Anton Ohno, boxer Laila Ali, Clyde "Why did I agree to this?" Drexler, Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore (Hey, that's my mom's nickname!), outspoken mullet activist Billy Ray Cyrus, Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey, Leeza Gibbons, Paulina "I Married The Cars' Singer" Porizkova, Ian Ziering, and 'N Sync's Joey Fatone (Fatone, he's the Fat one, get it?).
I'd originally cast all these people in my own celebreality show, "Jump in a Volcano", but Shandi Finnessey passed because she said she'd be too distracted by my rippling biceps. I have another idea for a show called "Joe AIDS", which is kind of like the bachelor, but instead of a bunch of women competing for one rich guy, they'll be competing for three guys; one millionaire and two guys with AIDS. They won't know which is which and will have to sleep with the guy before they get the money. Any takers?
Proving that television executives are the most imaginative people on the planet, ABC announced that it's pursuing a spinoff of "Grey's Anatomy", the pioneering medical drama, that boldly goes where only "ER", "Chicago Hope", "General Hospital", "Scrubs". "Nip/Tuck", "M*A*S*H", "House", "Doogie Howser M.D." and a handful of others have gone before. Look out for "Grey's Anatomy: SVU", "Grey's Anatomy: Muskogee", and "Grey's Anatomy: Homophobic Negro Surgeon", all coming soon. Seriously, these people have been recycling ideas for so long that it will soon tear a hole in the space-time continuum and we'll all be running from dinosaurs and robot sex monkeys from the future. Is that what you really want? IS IT?!?
Variety is reporting that in some countries, the Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez double feature "Grindhouse" is going to be broken up into two separate movies. Some might argue that this is a classic case of dirty ethnic types trying to swindle people into paying double for cheap crap like a twisted novelty Corona bottle or Last Supper relief made of glitter, but I applaud the move. You see, for me, seeing a Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez double bill is kind of like ordering a cheeseburger and having it come with a shit burrito – a diarrhito, if you will.*
If any of the countries splitting the bill could also figure out how to take all the Rodriguez-infected parts out of the Kill Bill movies, I might move there - watch out ladies! (and attractive ladyboys)
*This is a hypothetical situation not reflective of my actual dietary habits. In real life I am a vulturetarian; I only eat animals that eat other animals that eat other animals that eat plants. Top of the food chain, bitch!
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You know, I'm as upset at the media's glorification of emaciated models as anyone, and I applauded Tyra Banks' wholly genuine, non-self-righteous denunciation of the practice. I sincerely hope it leads to 
Proving that television executives are the most imaginative people on the planet, ABC announced that it's pursuing a spinoff of "Grey's Anatomy", the pioneering medical drama, that boldly goes where only "ER", "Chicago Hope", "General Hospital", "Scrubs". "Nip/Tuck", "M*A*S*H", "House", "Doogie Howser M.D." and a handful of others have gone before. Look out for "Grey's Anatomy: SVU", "Grey's Anatomy: Muskogee", and "Grey's Anatomy: Homophobic Negro Surgeon", all coming soon. Seriously, these people have been recycling ideas for so long that it will soon tear a hole in the space-time continuum and we'll all be running from dinosaurs and robot sex monkeys from the future. Is that what you really want? IS IT?!?
